In need of a savior!

Disclaimer: This is a total ramble! It’s not grammatically perfect and may not even make complete sense. It’s an unfiltered rant from my heart.

I feel somewhat desperate for Jesus lately. In need of a savior!

I feel like I have such a hesitant heart sometimes. There have been a couple things that have been wearing on my spirit that I know are absolutely devil works! I just question how I will persevere to a positive Godly attitude some days…and then I feel guilty for those feelings…*sigh* Don’t get me wrong, I still count my blessings and know that God is constant and that I have a wonderful life to be lifted up and thankful for! Bottom line is that I just get lazy in my faith and spend my time concentrating on immediate disappointments in my personal life instead! I feel like I continually pray to God for help in a stronger walk and wonder why it’s so hard to get to a place where I’m focused on serving and loving without hesitation or feeling like I’m owed some sort of affirmation in return.  I wonder are we all really THAT sinful & selfish in nature or is it something that I struggle more with than others?? It’s even hard for me to write this in fear that I will be judged by those reading. Can I just shake myself?! Haha.

I help with youth at my church, Solid Rock, and last night’s message truly spoke to me. I pulled up Galatians, chapter 5 again this morning to read over it after some digestion. It’s good stuff! It is a solid reminder that we need to continue to “fill ourselves up” with God’s word to be able to “pour out” efficiently in our daily walk! We can't ONLY fill up or ONLY pour out...doesn't work! It has to be an equally balanced process. Now,If only I can maintain the discipline & motivation to follow thru with staying focused on reacting to the gift of salvation by ACTING - serving and loving where I am needed!  AND fighting the urge to beat myself up on past mistakes & petty things (like why someone doesn’t like me), which ultimately leads to misery and does not make me smile = not a reflection of God’s light in my life!

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. - Gal 5:1

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.  For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. – Gal 5:13-15

My yoke of slavery is past mistakes. I can’t change them and they’ll always be there. I feel like they have and continue to affect my future and thus, my family. That causes guilt. I am a perfectionist thru and thru! I dwell on how I could have ever made such poor choices, especially as a Christian. I hate that I get so defensive, too! Mainly with Jon… Hindsight, I initiate conversations trying to vent my feelings looking for a sympathetic and loving response confirming that I’m doing the best I can and that I’m a good person/mother/wife. When I don’t get that response, the guilt grows and I sulk…which turns to anger at some points & then bitterness. Ugh, I hate even writing it down! When I come to a place in a friendship where I feel like it’s time to divulge to be “real” with that friend, it’s hard! I never know what reaction I will get… but in some way, their perception of me is changed. I am now a real “damaged” person. Can’t I just be happy go lucky and shrug things off and leave them for the Lord to handle? Why do I care so much about what others around me think of my struggles? Do those struggles define me? Can I overcome the shame and be confident in my spirit and eventually be “whole” and happy with who I am? After all, God did create me!

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. – Psalm 37:3-6

Summer is always hard b/c we’re out of town 3-4 weekends keeping us from attending our home church. I struggle when I don’t have that weekly lesson from our pastor! I’ve listened to all the Podcasts Solid Rock has online and they’re kind of “old” to me now. I’ve tried to stay in the word on my own more and I am…but it’s not easy! I find myself flipping around looking for something to jump out of the bible at me like a little kid does. Jon is more of a private person when it comes to studying the bible and praying (and everything)…which I get but struggle with. I wonder what is he thinking? What is he praying about? Is he praying? Is he praying for me? Do I pray for him enough? I ask him and he says he always prays, and I do believe him…I’m just not physically a part of it. I yearn to be self-motivated & disciplined but some days are flat out harder than others.

I can't explain hard things.  I know that God wants us to pray & wants us to ask for things. I also know he doesn’t always answer. I know that I will never fully understand God’s plan while on this earth. Thankfully, it’s not my job to explain God, I just have to decide that I'm going to trust Him. I'm going to “pour out” love & serve people who are hurting and in need and keep praying (for myself and others).

We have plans to start up a small group with three other couples from church once school starts back up and I’m super excited about it! I do have small concerns that everyone is so different about how they study (or don’t study) but I’m relying on the fact that we all fellowship together routinely to keep things grounded and going strong! I think (hope) it will be great for all of us and that we continue to grow in friendship! I have prayed for good friends that are involved in our church and at similar life places for so long and I genuinely get giddy when we’re all able to hang out! I know these families are a Godsend to our lives! I try to contain my (somewhat nervous) excitement (again, b/c I worry what others think) to offer a normal stance about it all, haha. The other three couples have known each other for a long time, atleast the ladies. They all work together. Being the “newbie” always offers a little more vulnerability, but the girls have been amazingly accepting and sweet to include me! I truly adore them! We all live so close & have kiddos the same ages, too! So fun!

I sit back and watch the community argue and debate every little issue under the sun.  Ofcourse I have opinions… but I don't want to spend my life arguing. I just want to trust God (even when it's NOT easy) and believe the Bible (every word) and live my life by it. I'm not a theologian. I'm not a seminary graduate. I'm not even a very eloquent writer (trust me - this I know) but I want to spend my life JOYFULLY serving & sharing what I do know about Christ.

I'm making a full-hearted effort to move forward in my days not sitting around worrying about the ‘what if's’ and ‘has beens’ of life.  GOD IS IN CONTROL!  I think I am - but ever so clearly, I am not.  He is not surprised by anything.  He's bigger.  I just have to trust that HE is in control and keep my faith. I want to know God and make Him known. I want others to see God’s amazing love thru the actions in my life. I want to focus on him. I don’t want to spend my life worrying about what others think of me or if someone disagrees with my actions/views.

But I am not ashamed! I know the one I have faith in, and I am sure that he can guard until the last day what he has trusted me with. 2 Timothy 1:12

As humbling (embarrassing) as it is to write little emotional tangents like this, it’s such a release! Maybe no one relates…but maybe someone does… either way, my faith grows and I am thankful for my freedom {{Salvation}} in Christ Jesus! ♥ ♥

For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them. Matthew 8:20

Love,

Brooke